The C in CPR stands for Condom

I took a First Aid and CPR course last week through St. John's Ambulance. The last time I'd done it was over five years ago. It was long enough ago that I took the course with Mr. Man; long enough that AED training wasn't automatically included; long enough to be pre face-condom.

I've gotta be honest; the face-condoms surprised me. I'd heard of rubber gloves being a thing, and it sorrrrt of made sense to me - people chew on their cuticles and their nails and use their hands in all sorts of situations that can result in open wounds. There is a risk of "catching something", however slight. Still, if I saw someone bleeding out on the subway I can't imagine that the insanely remote fear of AIDS or Hep or Ebola being at the forefront of my mind. These face-condoms felt like a brand new low; how small are the chances that BOTH of you have open wounds in your mouth? How likely is it that what you're actually afraid of catching is cooties?

We were told to not worry about the respiration part of CPR if we found ourselves in the embarrassing situation of being sans facemask while someone is dying. It's cool, we were told, the R isn't terribly necessary, and besides, CPR is only 7% effective anyway. Our instructor went so far as to say that if we found ourselves in the hypothetical situation where our child ingested a bottle of Drano, to make sure we have a mask on before preforming CPR, lest traces of a toxic substance get on our lips.

Can you fucking IMAGINE? Call to mind your child convulsing from poisoning and then gasping a final breath before going into cardiac arrest. Imagine pausing for even a second to get one of these ridiculous pieces of tampon saran-wrap to put between your face and your child's. Now imagine your sister. Now a neighbour. Now a stranger. When did it become ridiculous?

The whole thing is a joke. No WAY are these masks utilized in the moment. People can't even wear dick-condoms! They get too caught up in the moment! There's too much adrenaline! And even though blue balls may feel like a life or death situation for some men, I'm positive that a blue faced man in their line of sight would prove just a little bit more devastating.

St. John's Ambulance oughta be honest and say: Here. Everyone thinks everyone else is disgusting. Especially now, in this class, where you're all strangers and afraid to be partnered up. You find your fellow man disgusting, which is normal. Because of this, we sell face condoms that none of you will actually ever use, however disgusting you find each other now. Why? Because the second that any disgusting life in front of you begins to fail, you will remember your own mortality, and you will realize that there's beauty in every ugly bag of mostly water. And you will want to save it, even if there's a  0.01% chance of contracting AIDS, and only a 7% chance of success. Why?

Because, hopefully, you are a decent fucking human being who will be able to put yourself aside at a time when it really counts.

Until that time comes, here you go. Take a face condom.